But he wasn’t that way with me..

“But he wasn’t that way with me”

Stupid Facebook quote from an ex who couldn’t give you what the quote is promising to someone if they would just love them and stay. After giving 9 years to loving them for them to not be able to fucking stick to commitments. Anger and spite sits in my belly while I picture him being able to give everything I asked for years for to someone else. 

I scroll down to another post talking about parents, and I’m reminded that my Dad just died less than a month ago. I’m sad for my own reasons, but not in the way his other kids are. I saw Facebook posts and little shout outs to him, describing the type of Dad he was, and the type of Man he was to them. Hell he even jumped into a marriage and took on 3 other kids before having more of his own. But before he did that, he left me. I was 9 months old with a Mother who should have been institutionalized, and as an adult I fully support him leaving her. That’s not what happened though - he left me. He found me on social media when I was 16 and we re-connected, and at that point I had already realized the person my Mother was and welcomed the parent who left me with open/semi-guarded arms. Creating a relationship that’s supposed to be natural at birth, when a teenager is angsty and angry at the world, isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. He began by sending me gifts and money for things. When I was unable to afford living in an apartment that I moved into after my Mother dropped me out of high school and chased a dude from a dating website to another state, and I had to leave that house because shocker he was abusive, he apparently communicated with my Mother to send money to help towards my rent. Another shocking moment was when the money never went to my rent, it went to my Mother directly and I ended up having to move because I couldn’t afford it. He bought a ticket to come see him and spend time with a family that I still to this day do not even know if they knew about me before he reached out when I was 16. I equated his guilt of not being in my life to him sending money for various things. My oldest wanted a bunk bed for one year for Christmas, he sent cash. When he visited once, he thought the TV I had in my living room was too small, so he left cash for me to purchase a bigger one. Twice I was driving and got a random Western Union transfer number for amounts between $200-$400 for whatever the girls need. As someone who has struggled with living on their own since freshly 17, the money was always welcomed. I never thought about declining it, or telling him I would rather have the time or connection. Even with him being dead right now, I probably still wouldn’t go back and do that. Because the bottom line is, especially after having children now I’m aware, you can’t start a parent relationship with someone at 16. You can’t buy your way into someone's life to be a Dad. There’s probably nothing he could of done to be a complete Father at that point in my life, but I would probably have started with regular phone calls, regular visits down to the state I lived that he left me in, video chats, checking in with holidays/birthdays/anniversaries. Since 16 I can count on one hand how many texts I got on my actual birthday. I can count on two hands how many times we spoke on the phone. Since originally meeting him at 16, I have seen him a total of THREE times in person until he died this year and I am 33. 

So, it’s beautiful that others had a great relationship with him, and it’s a blessing that he was able to be a great Dad and Man to others. I will never argue that he wasn’t those things, but that’s not my experience. Likewise, it should be understood that he was not a good Dad, honorable Man, or able to attempt to truly rebuild bridges he set on fire. Anger and spite sit in my belly while I read experiences that others lived, while all I ever wanted was something a percentage so great that these Authors of the posts experienced. 

“But he wasn’t that way with me, so your experience is invalid.”